Changes

Someone has thrown me a curve ball.  Things are not as they appear.  How do you handle Change?  Do you yell, swear, lash out, cry, eat, drink, exercise?  Or, do you accept, regroup and re-focus? 

I think I do a little of everything.  For my whole life my identity has been wrapped up in the physical.  Gym was my favorite and best class.  It was a place where I felt comfortable, I was successful there.  As I moved from elementary school to high school though I encountered others who where much more skilled than I. This was a change for me.  I was no longer successful or comfortable in PE class.  My tomboy identity was being threatened, taken away.  Who was I?  Where did this leave me? 

I was facing change....So I decided to take control of the one thing I knew how to...my body.  I would exercise, not eat.  I would be in control.  I found comfort in my rituals.  My rules...

As Change popped up again and again in my life,  I would continue to handle it with external vices...food, exercise, alcohol, withdrawal. 

Change is in the air again in my life. I am fighting the old habits.  Determined to accept the Change for what it is...time to re-group and re-focus.  To try to roll with it by understanding the emotions, the thoughts and the feelings that go along with it.

We live with an identity that we think is who we are, yet it is only a small part.  This physical being that went from PE class, to the soccer field, to the aerobics room, and ended up back at the gym...this time  the physical place....is changing.  I am understanding that I am more than that.  I can create, play, write, read, cook...I can almost feel my spiritual center waking up.   It is asking me, where the heck have you been?  I have been waiting a long time to come out and play! 

Wait no longer, I no longer care about the outcome, I care about discovering, about new beginnings, about learning, even if I fail.  I am excited to try.