I wish I knew then, what I know now....A mom's apology to her daughters

When we have children, we are not given a guide book.  All we have is our own experiences, our intuition and what we "think" is best to go on as we raise our children.  OHHH How I wish I knew then, what I know now.

This is a note to my own daughters, apologizing for not modeling or teaching them: (and other young people as well, who grew up with similar role models.)  

That their bodies are uniquely beautiful and individual...and that food has a  purpose and can be enjoyed.

My dearest daughters, 

I want to apologize for not being a very good role model for you when in comes to food, eating and body image.  I was too scared to teach you the wrong things, and contribute to you not feeling good enough.

I grew up in a quest for a better body, knowing and believing that mine did not look like it should and was not "good" enough.

It consumed all my thoughts, actions and behaviors.  It was all I knew. 

As you both grew up, I actually tried to impose the exact opposite of my own thoughts about food and body image on you, because I did not want  you to grow up like me, obsessed with food, calories and the numbers on the scale.  

I wished for you both to have a healthy relationship with food and your bodies.

I would like to take this opportunity to apologize for the following behaviors I am not proud of: 

• Saying no to a slice of your birthday cakes (I didn't want to consume the calories)
• Not eating dinner with you at night (because I had been eating all afternoon)
• Offering you food to ease your pain (I didn't know what else to do)
• Not teaching you a healthy balance and educate you on the importance of food (I did not know it myself)
• Being angry when you couldn't sleep (and caught me eating cheese-its)
• Witnessing my own body hatred when I looked in the mirror (Hearing my internal "mini-me" tell me how fat I was)
• Always being to "tired" to play outside or swim with you at the beach (I had spent all my energy at the gym earlier in the day)
• The hours you spent at the day care in the gym 
• Seeing me throw clothes on the floor in fits of anger 
• Witnessing the "changing of the rules around food" when other people were around (trying to show others I was a good parent)

I wish I knew then, what I know now.  

I would like to take this opportunity to share what I have learned: 

NOW I would teach you

• How to love and appreciate that unique and special body you live in. 
• To listen and trust your own internal messages of hunger and fullness
• That food is not good or bad, it is just food
• To strengthen your own inner MAXI-ME's (the positive, supportive, kind and compassionate inner voice you have in your head) by listening positive self talk with you

I would also: 

• Model balanced eating and moving behaviors
• Look at my own body with respect and appreciation 
• Enjoy dinners, birthday cake, playing at the playground and swimming at the beach
• Stick up for our families relationship with food, no matter who was around.

I am writing this to let you know that we are all human and make mistakes sometimes. It is part of what makes us unique and special, and through these mistakes it creates the opportunity for us to learn and grow.  I am sorry for my mistakes as your mom. 

For you both...

I wish you joy & happiness as you navigate your adult lives

I wish you acceptance and appreciation of your bodies 

I wish you freedom and peace with food and eating 

I wish you forgiveness of self when mistakes are made

I wish you support of good friends and family when times get tough

I wish you continued growth and learning

I wish you a life full of experiences and memories

I wish you much laughter & love

With love,

Mom


If you have any regrets similar to mine, please feel free to reach out at annie@shapingperspectives.com or click here to learn more. 

20% MORE

I see the apple on the table, I hear my stomach growl, I start to calculate as the numbers tick away in my head...60+80=140+50=190+10+120= 410...no, too much, just walk away...

I walk up the stairs, thinking of what I had done...20 minutes of core work, step class, 30 minutes of legs...not enough, I should go for a run...

My thoughts continue...

The numbers of calories burned, exercise classes taught or taken, miles run or walked

Calories consumed, calories NOT consumed, points, fat and carb grams counted, Adding and Subtracting; Plotting and Planning 

How much longer do I need to stay on this stair master?  What should my workout look like tomorrow? the day after that? next week?

What will the scale say when I step on it tomorrow?  Have I worked hard enough? Eaten too much?

What will the ALL MIGHTY SCALE say about my worthiness tomorrow?

Minute after minute, day after day, year after year...from 10 years old until almost 50...Over 95% of my thoughts every day tick away thinking about how I can effect the number on the scale.

4 DECADES of my life, I have spent all of my time counting and calculating, shaming and blaming, pushing and pulling. 

I am sad, frustrated, angry and depressed as I come to this realization....Why have I wasted so much time with this non-sense?  

I sit and cry,  I walk and cry, I curl up in a ball and cry as I move through this strange GRIEVING process.  

So many should haves, why didn't I's, your so stupid's...I morn the loss of so many years of my life...until...Exhaustion sets in, I am tired and all dried up from crying.  

It is time to "fish or cut bait" as my dad would say..."shit or get off the pot" my uncle would say...

Stagnation and depression set in...until...

I think about my daughters, how much I love them, how much I want to see them grow, learn, live and love.  

FINALLY, I get it...I need more time...more time in my brain to live here in this world, to live here today...

It becomes apparent that it is time to THROW AWAY:

• The calorie counter in my brain
• The scale on the bathroom floor
• The fit-bit "rewards"
• The class schedule
• The "map my run" app

Time to gain back TIME:

• Time to read and write
• Time to share time with friends and family
• Time to reconnect with my body
• Time to think about what used to bring me joy
• Time to make a difference

This was me only 4 years ago, and every year since then, I have opened up more space in my head, 20%, 30%, 40% more time to focus on the life I am living.  Less and less time spent on obsessing and calculating.

This valentines day, give yourself the gift of TIME, time to enjoy the life you are living TODAY, in the body that you have TODAY, in the shape that you are in TODAY, at the weight your body is TODAY.  

This is my wish for you...It is SO worth it.

I am here for support and guidance.