Judge Foody (Not to be confused with Judge Judy)

"I cant believe I ate all that!"
"That was such a bad thing to eat!"
"I am going to have to stay at the gym all day because of that lunch!"

These are words I have said to myself and hear daily at work.  Our inner Judge scolding us, and letting us know how unworthy we are.  All because of our own perception and beliefs about what is Right or Wrong with the food we eat.

Good Foods/Bad Foods=Good Girl/Bad Girl

Exercise becomes punishment for a dessert shared with a friend, which should have been enjoyed and treasured moments in time...Not punishment.

Step on the scale, step off, move it to another spot, try again.  Today's mood dependent on what this hunk of metal says...

Food is not "Good" or "Bad"...as a matter of fact, I think the M&M people are very cute and entertaining...how could they be bad?

Life is too short to have the food Judge in my face any longer.  She has criticized my choices, dictated my actions, scolded and shamed me into depression, addiction and abuse.

Food is Fuel...It is needed to keep us going.  For us to keep our energy up and keep our brains and bodies working.  It is needed for us to make a difference with our work, enjoy a walk in nature, connect with friends, carry the groceries, rearrange furniture( a fun trait I get from my mom, that drives everyone else crazy!), write, read, stretch...

This life is full of so many wonderful things.  Why do we continue to let the Judge in our head ruin an otherwise perfectly good day by telling us we have made the wrong choice, or bullies you because the scale says something it doesn't like.

Throw away the scale, let the M&M people be your friends.  FIRE the JUDGE!  She has made enough money to retire very nicely...in an upscale retirement community in Florida.  I have paid her well throughout the years.  It is time for me to hire myself to be my own Judge.  One that treats me with respect and admiration.  One that does not criticize my choices for dinner, or guilt me into going to the gym...again...

My new Judge says "Eat for Energy, Exercise for Enjoyment"  

Running to or away?

I looked at the clock...3:11am, great, a whole 8 minutes after I looked the last time.  I climbed out of bed and pulled on my sweat pants, running bra, three layers on top.  I take the walk up the cold wooden stairs, lace up my sneakers and head out the door.  At this point it is automatic.   I am glad it is early, my schedule says 7 miles, I will be able to run longer though....maybe 9 before I have to get to work to teach the boot camp class at 6am.

Running has become my best friend.  I devour books, magazines, training logs.  I am engulfed with the discipline.  I am dedicated, driven, obsessed and addicted.  The feeling is all too familiar.  How did I get here?  Flashbacks of my anorexia years haunt me.  Am I running away from myself? Or am I running to find myself... I knew I needed help.

I was standing in the kitchen with my oldest daughter.  After a semester of tears, depression and anxiety, we had taken her out of high school. Remove her from the atmosphere that was slowly destroying her and taking her spirit.   There it was, the voice, the tone, the terror.  I had heard it many times.  Making me feel sick to my stomach and making me want to disappear.  Only this time it was not directed at me.  It was directed at her.

That was the moment. Fish or cut bait...I filed for divorce the following day.

Scared, frightened, disappointed, ashamed, guilty...out the door I would go, running again...using it to escape.  Masking my emotions, my anger, my hurt.  Day after day...mile after mile...

I was drinking to help me sleep.  Weight was falling off me.  This is awesome I am thinking to myself.   Isn't that what we all want? To be skinnier?  Co-workers and friends expressed thier concern.  I just thought they were jealous because I was thin now...so proud of myself.

3 miles turned into 6-8-10.  My body always in pain.  A glass of wine, or 2 or 3.   There.  Now I feel better.  I close my eyes...sleep,  ahhh...finally.

Day after day, week after week, month after month.  More and more exersice.  I was lost.  I was depressed.  My daughters needed thier mother back.

Asking for help takes courage and strength.  It is not a sign of weakness.  With the love and support of friends, I began to find my way back to myself.  I asked for help.

When you find yourself in a hole,  that either you can't get out of, or maybe dont want to get out of, find the strength to ask for help.  This life is to be lived with joy, purpose, passion and love.  We all have our own unique talents and experiences to bring to each other.  Let your friends and family be blessed with all of you.  Pull yourself out of the hole.  There is always someone who will be willing throw you a rope, but they can't pull you out unless you are ready.

The strength is within all of us...ask and it will be given to you, seek and you shall find...