Just the way I am!

I am 12 years old wearing only a pair of underwear. My mother is making me stand in front of a mirror.  I am mortified.

She asks me what I see...I roll my eyes, pinch the skin on my belly and say ,"I see fat and frumpy,  Happy?"

She sees frail and fragile, hears my sarcasm and is frightened.

We are both looking at the same thing...my almost naked body, yet we see completely different things, have different emotions and think different thoughts

I am feeling awkward, angry, embarrassed and mixed up, while my mom is terrified and troubled.  She has been watching me slowly disappear in front of her eyes. Unsure if where to turn next.

Anorexia Nervosa was the diagnosis. Virtually unknown to most 1975.  

It took 3 years of counseling, a month in a hospital and lots of tears shed before the Poirier dinner table was not a war zone.

Food and exercise have been the coach and the quarterback throughout my life.  Calories counted, exercise logged, scale down=worthy and happy, scale up=depressed and ugly.

It has been only over the last few years that I have finally accepted and appreciated what my body has done for me.

It can throw like a boy, it played college sports, fought fires, climbed and repelled off ferris wheels, competed in body building shows, run marathons, delivered 2 babies naturally and twins via c-section, climbed mountains and swam in oceans....

What is on your BODY ACCOMPLISHMENT LIST?

My body has done amazing things...why have I hated it so much and treated it so poorly?  It is time for me to respect and love my body, JUST THE WAY IT IS! Perfect for me! 

Why write?

I'm awake.  It is 1:30 am.  A couple weeks ago I went to a writing workshop at kripalu with a woman named Nancy Aronie.  She was amazing....and the stories I heard were heart felt, warm, heart breaking, funny, courageous and strong.  I came away realizing that everyone has a story.

If we knew everyone else's story would we look at them differently? Would we treat them differently?

As I think back on the experiences of my life...I am grateful.  I have been blessed in many ways.  Many have not been as lucky.  I can learn something from everyone I meet.  We have all experienced pain,hurt, anger,fear and frustration.  Is it not these feelings and emotions that shape and mold us into who we are?

It is time for me to write my story...for me.  To find more of me.  Forgive myself for my mistakes...to learn and grow, to gain strength and courage through sharing my words...my thoughts...my feelings.

Learning to accept ourselves for who we are... Not who we think we should be.

How can I give back And make a difference in this world....unless I am willing to be all in.  Play with 100% and give my own perfect effort.  This is my game day, and I am ready to play ball.  I hope you come along as part of my team.

Today is the day...isn't 88 just great?

Today is my moms 88th birthday.  How blessed I am to have both of my parents still here with me.  Her birthday falls the day after Christmas. When I was a kid, I made her wait until her birthday to open her presents.  She always wanted to(and now does!) to open them on Christmas day.  

You see, I have really just now started to get to know my parents.  

About 4 years ago I got divorced.  With my first marriage that lasted 17 years, I saw my parents a few times a year.  The standard holidays and occasional birthdays.  Visits were tense...my girls were young...and all I wanted to do was get through the visit smoothly.  I was always worried about what they were thinking.   Not only of me, but also about the behavior of my children and husband.

I met a man shortly after my divorce.  Certainly not my intention...but yet this man met my parents a month or so after we started dating.  That was the start of them getting their daughter back.  

I had been lost and had forgotten myself...it took this man for me to begin my journey back to myself....and because of this man I am ready to share my story "through the A's".  ADOPTION, ADDICTION, ANOREXIA, ACTIVITY and ACCEPTANCE.   Not necessarily in that order.  

This blog is about my journey toward forgiveness...acceptance and grace.  What better day to start than my moms birthday.