I wish I knew then, what I know now....A mom's apology to her daughters

When we have children, we are not given a guide book.  All we have is our own experiences, our intuition and what we "think" is best to go on as we raise our children.  OHHH How I wish I knew then, what I know now.

This is a note to my own daughters, apologizing for not modeling or teaching them: (and other young people as well, who grew up with similar role models.)  

That their bodies are uniquely beautiful and individual...and that food has a  purpose and can be enjoyed.

My dearest daughters, 

I want to apologize for not being a very good role model for you when in comes to food, eating and body image.  I was too scared to teach you the wrong things, and contribute to you not feeling good enough.

I grew up in a quest for a better body, knowing and believing that mine did not look like it should and was not "good" enough.

It consumed all my thoughts, actions and behaviors.  It was all I knew. 

As you both grew up, I actually tried to impose the exact opposite of my own thoughts about food and body image on you, because I did not want  you to grow up like me, obsessed with food, calories and the numbers on the scale.  

I wished for you both to have a healthy relationship with food and your bodies.

I would like to take this opportunity to apologize for the following behaviors I am not proud of: 

• Saying no to a slice of your birthday cakes (I didn't want to consume the calories)
• Not eating dinner with you at night (because I had been eating all afternoon)
• Offering you food to ease your pain (I didn't know what else to do)
• Not teaching you a healthy balance and educate you on the importance of food (I did not know it myself)
• Being angry when you couldn't sleep (and caught me eating cheese-its)
• Witnessing my own body hatred when I looked in the mirror (Hearing my internal "mini-me" tell me how fat I was)
• Always being to "tired" to play outside or swim with you at the beach (I had spent all my energy at the gym earlier in the day)
• The hours you spent at the day care in the gym 
• Seeing me throw clothes on the floor in fits of anger 
• Witnessing the "changing of the rules around food" when other people were around (trying to show others I was a good parent)

I wish I knew then, what I know now.  

I would like to take this opportunity to share what I have learned: 

NOW I would teach you

• How to love and appreciate that unique and special body you live in. 
• To listen and trust your own internal messages of hunger and fullness
• That food is not good or bad, it is just food
• To strengthen your own inner MAXI-ME's (the positive, supportive, kind and compassionate inner voice you have in your head) by listening positive self talk with you

I would also: 

• Model balanced eating and moving behaviors
• Look at my own body with respect and appreciation 
• Enjoy dinners, birthday cake, playing at the playground and swimming at the beach
• Stick up for our families relationship with food, no matter who was around.

I am writing this to let you know that we are all human and make mistakes sometimes. It is part of what makes us unique and special, and through these mistakes it creates the opportunity for us to learn and grow.  I am sorry for my mistakes as your mom. 

For you both...

I wish you joy & happiness as you navigate your adult lives

I wish you acceptance and appreciation of your bodies 

I wish you freedom and peace with food and eating 

I wish you forgiveness of self when mistakes are made

I wish you support of good friends and family when times get tough

I wish you continued growth and learning

I wish you a life full of experiences and memories

I wish you much laughter & love

With love,

Mom


If you have any regrets similar to mine, please feel free to reach out at annie@shapingperspectives.com or click here to learn more. 

A Cup of Tea with Mom

Over the last 4 years, I have been blessed with bonus quality time with both of my parents. I have found it truly amazing that it only takes a cup of tea and some alone time and all of a sudden I am transported back in time with them...Feeling and learning more about who they really are. 

Traditionally, a Father will walk his daughter down the isle at her wedding.  I decided to ask both my mom and dad to walk me down the isle a couple years ago.  My mom so innocently asks me "Can you do that?  Is that allowed?"  I happily fill her in...yes, mom, I can do whatever I want.  She was thrilled...

Then, the fall.  A call from my dad.  "Your mother fell.  She broke her hip and her shoulder, they are transporting her up to Dartmouth"  We were in the car within minutes.  Surgery they told us...worry, fear...sadness.  Yet, for my mom, I began to realize her amazing strength and will.  She was determined to walk me down the isle at the wedding.(even though I told her we could decorate a wheel chair, and she would look awesome!) .  Day after day, workout after workout, at 86 my mom showed tremendous dedication and vision.  Yes, a few months later she walked me down the isle at my wedding.  Tears of joy in all our eyes.

My moms story, and strength continues to amaze me.  I have learned more about where this determination and strength has come from, through small snipets of time carved out by circumstance...or is it fate...and a cup of tea.

As she sits in front of me, she shares the story of walking into her bedroom after elementary school time and time again, to see her mother in her bedroom, staring at a baby picture on the wall and crying.  The picture was of her brother Russell, born before my mom.   He died at 9 months...As a young girl...what else would you think other than this: She didn't want me, she wanted him.  Why did they even have me?  hurt, broken, sad....disconnected from her mom...and dad... 

Flash forward in time, 19 years old, my mom is a freshman at college.  On her own for the first time.  Worried about leaving her mom, but was reassured by her that she should go.  Her brother calls her: "You have to come home, mom is dead...committed suicide".  My moms first thoughts?  I should have never left home to come here"  She takes another sip of her tea...I went home to take care of my father she tells me...and what happens next?  He takes his own life too...I was lost, My older brother off at war, I was alone.

My thoughts go to all the things that we do today when life falls apart on us...drink, drugs, gamble, eat, shop, sex, exercise...Not my mom...

A good friend and a plane ticket, 1/2 way around the world they go to Hawaii.  Their plans are to work at different places around the world.  In Hawaii they work at the YWCA...too bad her friend falls in love and their journey is cut short.  Now what?  I think...wow, this is a sign to travel down a bad path again...NO...not for mom...Off to Tufts she goes...and meets my dad. :)  Insert happy face here!

It is now that her past begins to haunt her.  In a time where psycho therapy is taboo, she realizes her need....there has to be more to life she thinks.  She sees people being happy and decides to find her way there.  She seeks help to fight her inner demons and works her way slowly back to herself.

As she shares this story, I am amazed at her resilience and strength.  The knowledge, insight, and persistence to know that there had to be more to life, and the guts to ask for help when she needed it...shows you how strong she really is...all 4'10" of her.  Petite Package...astounding strength.

This one is for you mom...I love you, and am so grateful you chose to take me home to be your daughter.

Today is the day...isn't 88 just great?

Today is my moms 88th birthday.  How blessed I am to have both of my parents still here with me.  Her birthday falls the day after Christmas. When I was a kid, I made her wait until her birthday to open her presents.  She always wanted to(and now does!) to open them on Christmas day.  

You see, I have really just now started to get to know my parents.  

About 4 years ago I got divorced.  With my first marriage that lasted 17 years, I saw my parents a few times a year.  The standard holidays and occasional birthdays.  Visits were tense...my girls were young...and all I wanted to do was get through the visit smoothly.  I was always worried about what they were thinking.   Not only of me, but also about the behavior of my children and husband.

I met a man shortly after my divorce.  Certainly not my intention...but yet this man met my parents a month or so after we started dating.  That was the start of them getting their daughter back.  

I had been lost and had forgotten myself...it took this man for me to begin my journey back to myself....and because of this man I am ready to share my story "through the A's".  ADOPTION, ADDICTION, ANOREXIA, ACTIVITY and ACCEPTANCE.   Not necessarily in that order.  

This blog is about my journey toward forgiveness...acceptance and grace.  What better day to start than my moms birthday.