How to Strengthen the Mother-Daughter Dieting Cycle Relationship

How to end the Mother and Daughter Dieting Cycle while Strengthening Your Relationship and Bond with One Another

Mothers and daughters have a tenuous relationship.  It is challenging enough to move through the chapters of our daughters lives...from infancy to young adult.  They don't come with a manual, darn it!  

Here is a contract that you and your daughter/sister/mother can look at and agree to follow to build a better relationship with food, eating and your bodies.  Taking the time to build a common language can make a big difference in how you navigate conversations that come up between family and friends.  

• Agree to reject the diet mentality and the “ThinIdeal” for
  good.
  
  
• Agree to keep fashion magazines and social media feeds that support the “thin ideal” and dieting mentality out of the house and off phones and computers as much as possible
  
  
• Agree to educate yourself and each other on the physiological and psychological effects of dieting.  Solidifying your belief that diets don’t work
  
  
• Learn to trust yours and your children’s inner food compass.   Ask questions like: Are you hungry? What are you hungry for ...something hot, cold, soft, hard, salty, sweet, snack or a meal?
  
  
• Learn and Agree to Neutralize Foods.
  Educate each other on the different nutritional information about foods without placing Labels or judgment on them (such as good or bad, right or wrong, healthy or unhealthy)
  
  
• Agree to notice, listen and ask what does my body need.
  Encourage each other to tune into their own bodies physical and emotional wants and needs. Give yourself permission to eat or not to eat, and to notice what the body needs... Is it something other than hunger? And if so, what?
  (For more information on emotional eating or how to eat intuitively, email me at annie@shapingperspectives.com I can help!)
  
• Agree to serve a variety of foods to your children and to yourself.This offers independence of choice, develops autonomy and helps insure the body is getting the nutrients it needs.
  
  
• Agree to tune into how you talk to yourself( or others) when you are around your children or your parents.   It is just as devastating or triggering to a mother to hear her child say they “feel fat” or“I’m so fat”
  
  
• Agree to speak up if someone “fattalks” about themselves.vHelp change the conversation to something positive about them or say something like this “Don’t talk about my friend like that”

• Notice how you talk to yourself or act when you are with other members of your family or friends, your words and actions can easily be misinterpreted by others.

• Agree to seek to understand when you hear others talking about someone else’s weight, size or body shape. Strive to make the point that we never really know what is going on in someone else’s life that might have an effect on either weight loss or gain, and that we shouldn’t make assumptions. Some things which we know can impact weight and size include medications, sicknesses, stress, emotional trauma and disordered eating.

• Agree to disconnect exercise from weight loss, burning calories or altering body shape or size. Learn to appreciate your body for what it can today. Incorporate movement, play and exercise is fun and enjoyable, gets you or keeps you out of pain and improves your function and ability to do the things we want to do and value the most. Ie: Dancing, playing with a grandchild on the floor, walking the beach, flying to visit a friend, family member or loved one.

• Educate yourself about weight bias, weight diversity and weight inclusivity. It is the same as race, religion or cultural biases.

• Agree to adopt the philosophy and mindset that all bodies are special, unique and worthy bodies, no matter what size or shape they are.

• Agree to model self-compassion and self-kindness towards yourself.This includes your self-talk, your body image, behaviors and actions.)

• Take action steps to work on healing your own relationship with food, mind and body.

If you would like guidance or support with regards to transforming your relationship with food, mind, body and self, or help with your mother/daughter relationship in regards to food and eating, please contact me at annie@shapingperspectives.com, call me at 603.339.1212 or go to www.shapingperspectives.com I have inspired and empowered hundreds of women like you to achieve their health, wellness and lifestyle dreams and goals.

I wish I knew then, what I know now....A mom's apology to her daughters

When we have children, we are not given a guide book.  All we have is our own experiences, our intuition and what we "think" is best to go on as we raise our children.  OHHH How I wish I knew then, what I know now.

This is a note to my own daughters, apologizing for not modeling or teaching them: (and other young people as well, who grew up with similar role models.)  

That their bodies are uniquely beautiful and individual...and that food has a  purpose and can be enjoyed.

My dearest daughters, 

I want to apologize for not being a very good role model for you when in comes to food, eating and body image.  I was too scared to teach you the wrong things, and contribute to you not feeling good enough.

I grew up in a quest for a better body, knowing and believing that mine did not look like it should and was not "good" enough.

It consumed all my thoughts, actions and behaviors.  It was all I knew. 

As you both grew up, I actually tried to impose the exact opposite of my own thoughts about food and body image on you, because I did not want  you to grow up like me, obsessed with food, calories and the numbers on the scale.  

I wished for you both to have a healthy relationship with food and your bodies.

I would like to take this opportunity to apologize for the following behaviors I am not proud of: 

• Saying no to a slice of your birthday cakes (I didn't want to consume the calories)
• Not eating dinner with you at night (because I had been eating all afternoon)
• Offering you food to ease your pain (I didn't know what else to do)
• Not teaching you a healthy balance and educate you on the importance of food (I did not know it myself)
• Being angry when you couldn't sleep (and caught me eating cheese-its)
• Witnessing my own body hatred when I looked in the mirror (Hearing my internal "mini-me" tell me how fat I was)
• Always being to "tired" to play outside or swim with you at the beach (I had spent all my energy at the gym earlier in the day)
• The hours you spent at the day care in the gym 
• Seeing me throw clothes on the floor in fits of anger 
• Witnessing the "changing of the rules around food" when other people were around (trying to show others I was a good parent)

I wish I knew then, what I know now.  

I would like to take this opportunity to share what I have learned: 

NOW I would teach you

• How to love and appreciate that unique and special body you live in. 
• To listen and trust your own internal messages of hunger and fullness
• That food is not good or bad, it is just food
• To strengthen your own inner MAXI-ME's (the positive, supportive, kind and compassionate inner voice you have in your head) by listening positive self talk with you

I would also: 

• Model balanced eating and moving behaviors
• Look at my own body with respect and appreciation 
• Enjoy dinners, birthday cake, playing at the playground and swimming at the beach
• Stick up for our families relationship with food, no matter who was around.

I am writing this to let you know that we are all human and make mistakes sometimes. It is part of what makes us unique and special, and through these mistakes it creates the opportunity for us to learn and grow.  I am sorry for my mistakes as your mom. 

For you both...

I wish you joy & happiness as you navigate your adult lives

I wish you acceptance and appreciation of your bodies 

I wish you freedom and peace with food and eating 

I wish you forgiveness of self when mistakes are made

I wish you support of good friends and family when times get tough

I wish you continued growth and learning

I wish you a life full of experiences and memories

I wish you much laughter & love

With love,

Mom


If you have any regrets similar to mine, please feel free to reach out at annie@shapingperspectives.com or click here to learn more.