The Lucky One

I am the lucky one.  Blessed with 2 distinctly different daughters.  They are unique in their talents...they are smart, funny, sensitive and caring. 

I am not sure what I was thinking when I said I wanted to write about them.  I could use this blog to brag on them, embarrass them, reminisce and get all wishy washy, but I won't...

They are now 20 and 22.  I am not sure how...feels like just yesterday they were heading off to kindergarten.  Funny, our parents said the same thing to us when we FINALLY were old enough to head off on our own...

I loved being pregnant, I loved rocking them as babies and getting up in the middle of the night to sooth a bad dream.  When they turned 3 and 4, I was running ragged...tired with a never ending list of "to do's"  I thought these were some of the toughest years.  UNTIL, one had her heart broken.  That brought about a whole new level of hard.  

Interesting the level of pain you can feel in the presence of the pain of another.  The love of a child is like no other.  It feels like it morphs, flows and changes...but I am not so sure. 

I want to say thank you to my girls for not giving up on me and loving me despite my mistakes.  Looking back I would have done some things differently.  Yet, I know that I did the best that I could with what I knew.  I continue to learn and grow as a parent and I continue to do the best that I can...

I want them to know how much I love them, how proud I am of them both.  That I will be there for them when they need me, will love them unconditionally, will cheer loud for them, and cry hard with them...as many times as they need.

And...Yes Ashley and Alyssa, I now would have let you play in the "clean garbage cans" out front...

I am the lucky one...blessed to be a mom...

You had me at Push-Ups

I got married, for the second time on October 11, 2013.  I married my best friend.  The wedding was something from a fairy tale book.  A room filled with love, support and family.  The love was almost palatable.  It was a perfect start for Tim and I.

We had know each other in College, 30 years ago...had some classes together, and even danced at the "HUB" at Plymouth State.

Our reconnection came in 2011, when I saw he was running a Push-Up for Charity event at his performance site to benefit the Wounded Warriors.  "I like push-ups"  I said to myself, and contacted him to be part of the event.  We decided on a NH vs ME "Push-Up Off"  so that we could try to raise more money.  We met to go over details...he says he knew that day, he was going to marry me.  I, on the other hand was coming off a long marriage and just knew this was a good man.

It didn't take long to find out what an amazing, brilliant, sensitive, caring, dedicated, passionate and hardworking man this was, I was smitten...If you want to read a little more about the moment I knew I was in love with him you can go back in my blog to February 1, 2015 and read "Love on the Rocks".

We continue to learn and grow with each other, he has taught me how to communicate better and listen more.   I have learned that he will love me unconditionally...even when I get mad at him, cry for no reason, break another glass, make a "not so good" decision, turn into my alter-ego psycho woman, or want to watch Holiday Hallmark movies every night from Thanksgiving to Christmas....

We have recently begun to work together in our fitness company ATP Fitness, this brings being partners in life to a whole new meaning.  We are learning to delegate responsibilities to each other, compromise, and work together on finances (something I try to run from!)  It can be challenging at times for both of us, but as long as we remember our goal is to be of service to others, things fall into place

I am looking forward to continue to learn, laugh, and love with this man as we grow older.  I am thankful to God and Push-Ups for bringing us together.

The Taming of the Shrew (Mini-Me)

Isn't that the name of a Shakespeare Play?  As I thought of it, my first thoughts went to my Mini-Me.  I do realize there is a different connotation within the play, yet there is relevance in the words when I think about my own destructive Mini-Me. 

My Mini-Me has created and intricate series of roadways in my brain.  She is the BEST at telling me that I am not "good enough".  What I hear when she says that is this: You are not thin enough, you are not strong enough, you are not pretty enough, you are not smart enough, you could never do that.

I have listened to that voice for 40+years now.  This Mini-Me has direct High-Speed access to highways and roadways in my brain.  

I wonder- Can I train her and tame her to drive along a different route?  Create different paths, roads, and highways for her to follow? Ones that will be more helpful, supportive and caring?   The Answer is YES.

When she rolls back into town telling me how fat and out of shape I am, can I stand my ground firmly, roll my eyes, turn my head and refuse to travel with her?  YES!  This ONE ACTION will allow those roads not to get used anymore.  I have the ability to shut them down.  CLOSE THEM FOR GOOD!

DETOUR: ROADS NOT PASS-ABLE

Take time to Show my Mini-Me new roads?  A New Direction? A Better Route?

• One that takes her to the Ocean where there is calm, relaxation and peace within myself.
• One that takes her to the Mountains where there is strength, confidence and hope.
• One that takes her to the Library where there is growth, learning, possibilities and opportunities.
• One that takes her to the Playground where there is fun, joy, movement and happiness
• One that takes her to a lake at sunrise where there is beauty, amazement, gratefulness and hope.
• One that takes her to a mirror where there is acceptance, appreciation, healing, and love

Creation of a map that supports my journey and purpose. Tame the Shrew and make her my friend and ally.

Cyndi's Pizza Dilema

An Introduction to Cyndi...LYB Project Creator...

I met Cyndi over 20 years ago.  We worked together in the "Aerobics" world.  The days of leg warmers,thongs and movies like Perfect, with Jamie Lee Curtis and John Travolta.  We have traveled in the same circles, doing the same but different things.  Reconnecting again and again over the years. Cyndi's Passion and energy always radiates all around her.  I have learned more about her story over the last year or so through her Facebook Community Page: Love Your Body Project: Peace, Love and Food. I am continually impressed by her strength and resilience.  To learn a little more about her...check out this blog:


"About three years ago, my husband and I started having Tuesday nights out. I used to work late at my old job and didn't get out until 8 pm. I also had a 37 mile commute, which meant I wouldn't get home until almost 8:45. One week, he texted me, asking if I would meet him at the pizza place down the street from our house. We would sit in the bar, place an order for takeout and have a drink while we waited for our food. It was so much easier than trying to throw something quick together at home.

This became a tradition known as "pizza night" (uber creative name, I know). Every week, I SO looked forward to this. I could not wait to get my hands on pizza. We tried a different kind each week and I ate the s**t out of it. I couldn't get enough.
Until I did.

One day, I arrived at our place and decided I didn't want pizza. I was almost a bit...sad. You see, in all the years I restricted, there were two food items that had achieved legend status in my mind: ice cream and pizza. I thought about these two things constantly and when I had the chance to eat them, I fully took advantage. But, then I began healing my relationship with food. I was coming to terms with the fact that dieting wasn't the answer, the scale wasn't really my friend and exercising 2-3 hours a day wasn't practical for me anymore. I made the choice to allow everything and deprive myself of nothing. After a few months of this, I began to find my balance. I ate more from genuine hunger and intuited what my body wanted. Hint: it wasn't always pizza. All of a sudden, the legend status was gone. It was no big deal anymore because I could have it anytime I wanted, which resulted in me not wanting it all the time.

Now, we still frequent our neighborhood place once a week. We have become very close friends with the bartender who was always there to take care of us. It's fun to have a place to go where "everyone knows your name" (insert theme music from "Cheers" here). But, it's no longer "pizza night" every week. Sometimes, it's fish. Sometimes, it's salad. Sometimes, it's pasta. It changes all the time and I think that's the way it should be.
Allow all foods in your diet. Then, let your body decide what it needs and wants. It's smarter than you think."   Cyndi@ LYB Project


Go to the Love Your Body Project page to find out more about her, and our work together...There are many pearls of wisdom to be cherished...

Stepping Through the Open Door

How absolutely wonderful it is when you can sit with a friend and open your heart.  It is like seeing an open door, knowing that no matter what, you will be loved and accepted on the other side.  Laughing until you pee your pants...crying until it hurts, and know it is ok.  Pour out your soul, to know that it will be caught in a mug of comfort, compassion and care.

Share the stories of an elderly gentleman who has lived a great long life and appreciates every waking moment.  He unknowingly shares his love, hope and gratitude upon anyone blessed to walk through the open door of his store.

To watch a cross country skier, dressed in a beautiful blue wind suit, that perfectly matches the backdrop of ocean waves and pops out of the winter white snow as he glides smoothly down the coast.

As February turns to March, I sit  alone with a notebook and a pen....realizing that there is a open door in front of me.  On the other side is the knowledge to follow my heart, trust of my instincts, forgive my mistakes, and finally face my fears.

Tomorrow I will awaken, the dawn of a new day.  The pinks and blues of the sunrise over the ocean.  There will be a new trust within myself, a renewal of spirit and purpose of life all within me.  There are open possibilities, and open doors.

Oh...look, there is another one.  Let's walk through it together with confidence and courage. 

Love on the Rocks

It just happened.  I remember the specific moment I fell in love.  I did not want it to happen.  It was too soon.  The ink was barely dry from my divorce.  Not yet...it was too soon.

It didnt matter, time and time again he proved to me that he was the most caring, sincere, patient  and kind person I had ever been with.  And that was just the beginning of what attracted me to him.  That part was his brilliance, passion, drive and dedication to his work, his friends and his family.

As we stood on the pebble beach at Fort Williams in Maine, both looking out at the expansive ocean before us, his arms were wrapped around my waist.  We could feel the breeze across our faces, and the contrasting warmth of the sun.   He whispered in my ear, "Close your eyes and listen...what do you hear?"

I close my eyes and wonder what he is talking about....all I can hear is his breath and the ocean waves.   I am unclear what he is getting at.  He senses this and continues..."listen again, listen to the sound of the rocks as the water travels through them on thier way in and out."

I listen closer this time...mmmm...mesmerizing, relaxing, soulful....the waves crashing over the rocks with an energizing force and as they retreat, you can actually hear how they soften, and glide gently back to thier home making the most wonderful sound.  Similar to a maraca playing softly in the distance.

I am at complete peace, for the first time in years...I have complete trust in this man.

Love comes from a place deep inside.  We cannot force it, we cannot time it.  It comes when we least expect it.

This man is now my husband....and everyday I learn more about him, falling more and more in love with all of him.  Well, most of the time anyway :)

Let's dance

Dark hair, rugged build...cute, very cute. I have seen him in the halls.  He is a football player, a good one.  I think he plays baseball too...nice.  He smiles at me, I smile back and send him my athletic vibes.  Will he ask me to dance?

"Shhhh, he is coming! Don't look!" I say to my friends as we dance to the music.  He comes up behind me and asks me to dance.

Beatles....Love Me Do...we hold hands, twist and move to the rhythm.  My body feels the immediate energy travel from my fingertips to my toes.  "Is this what love feels like?" I wonder to myself.  We dance and dance and dance. The night is magical, unfortunately i remember that school let's out for Christmas vacation tomorrow. Ahhhggg! Please god, don't let him forget about tonight...

There it is again, a tap on my shoulder.

"Hi, remember me? Can I buy you a soda?" he askes.

A warm smile crosses my face, my body feels warm and tingly, my stomach does a somersault.  All that comes squeaking out of me is a meek "Sure".

One night, that is all it took.  Passion, desire, hunger.   Amazing, wonderful, terrifying....WOW

It is September, I am supposed to be back at school...
Now I sit in my room, alone.  The radio blares out:
Love, love me do, you know I love you...I'll always be true....so pleeeease, love me...

I close my eyes and place my hands on my stomach.  Pregnant, outcast, isolated.  I look down at my growing belly and speak slowly..".this song will always remind me of you..."

"You will grow up loved and do amazing things....I just know it.  You can be whatever you want..."

My hands still on my stomach, I feel my baby kick, I smile, hmmm, maybe a soccer player?

October 1963, I am born in Boston and named Donna.  Placed in foster care.  JFK is  assassinated in November.  By late January 1964, I am on my way to Kentucky to join my new family.

They have named me Anne.

This is my own fictional story of how I came into this world...through love.  That is what I choose to believe.

It is 2015... What are you going to believe in this year? I am going to live in the moment, and move forward and write.

Happy New Year".