Maxine and Me!

I have a brand new friend, her name is Maxine!  (Maxi-Me)!  She has moved into the neighborhood in my head.   She is awesome.  She shares the best part of herself with me every day.

My Mini-Me (my negative, self sabotaging voice) who has taken up residence for so long in my head, telling me I am not worthy, that I can't do anything right, I am not smart or fit enough, I cant do that...HAS BEEN REPLACED!.  

This new friend and internal voice, Maxine, lets me know that I am OK!  That I am human! That I am right where I am supposed to be, doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing right now...

I am gaining strength every day.  This is actually a very funny thing during this time...I can look in the mirror and visibly see that I have actually lost quite a bit of muscle and physical strength...yet I feel stronger than ever in other ways.

Maxine allows me to be comfortable being seen...What others say about me, or about others no longer has the impact of old.  I have released it to them...it is theirs...to have and to hold.  I need not absorb myself in becoming who "I am supposed to be",  or obsess over who they think "I should be", or how they think "I should act."

I am now more comfortable stepping outside the box and embracing my fears.  I have an Ali now in Maxine.  She is always right there providing me the support, she has a kind and compassionate voice.  I know she will support the words I say, the attitude I walk around with and the actions that I take.  

My Mini Me is amazingly resilient though.  I am not sure how she gets the transportation, or how she affords it, but she is constantly fighting to move back into my head, into the neighborhood in my head.  So that she has closer access to me than Maxine.  

My job now is to continue to give strength and attention to my new ali Maxine so she will continue to gain strength and confidence.  And...try my best to keep Mini Me far, far away.  Continue to Ignore her voice and harassment.  

OHHHH that gives me a great idea!  I will calling the police to put a restraining order on my Mini Me, keep her out of my neighborhood once and for all.  Maybe that will help!

Please feel free to send your Mini Me on vacation too...or assign them a restraining order.  Keep her out of your head.  

When she comes back in...acknowledge her,  and then send her on away.  Our Mini-Me's are not helpful to us...They are not our friends.  Find other friends...ones that support and care about you.  None of us needs a friend that only picks a fight.  We want friends who love us...no matter what!

ENOUGH ALREADY!

"You are different than you were 15 minutes ago" My friend Dawn of 20 years says.  I say nothing, yet think Really? hmmm

The cloud so easily forms over my head.  In an instant I am transported back.  Tightness in my chest, shame, guilt, fear.  Don't say a word...tiptoe around, don't make a sound.  Keep everyone happy.

Why do we let past experiences wash over us so quickly, and take up residence, like an old coffee table.  We decide to jump right back into those old feelings.  It is like a WAY TOO HOT hot tub we decide to jump into...like we deserve these feelings.  Something about them feels right...feels familiar.  It must be the way I am supposed to be feeling.  I deserve to feel like this because I can never say the right thing, do the right thing, make him happy.

Just yesterday, I jumped right back into that Hot Tub...OUCH...it was way to hot and completely uncomfortable.  The laughing, relaxed Annie vanished...out of sight...hiding on the inside, afraid to come out to play.  She does not deserve this happiness...She isn't allowed to forget about this other feeling...fearful, uncomfortable, shameful.  The one that is thrust upon her in a moment...so easily and oddly familiar.

Our lives are full of experiences and people.  Some are wonderful, and others not so much.  I am grateful for my friend letting me know that I unknowingly traveled back in time to the comfort of the uncomfortable hot tub.  If she hadn't brought it to my attention, I would not be in this place this morning saying ENOUGH ALREADY!

I have to let go of the old programs...the old tapes that play over and over again in my head. The ones that tell me I cant, I shouldn't have, I am so stupid.  I have placed these sayings in my head as a strong line of defense to protect myself from being hurt by others.  I have placed them there to keep the peace in my household...Day after Day, Year after Year.

It is time..

To let go of the past, for it is done.  We cannot go back and change it...Unless you are Bill Murray in an episode of Ground hog day...How many times did it take for him to get it "right?"

I am moving forward today, writing my own story and stepping into it with confidence and strength.  Replacing my old programs with good ones.  The past has given me my tools.  I have learned how to use them, but they  will not define me.

Today we start fresh...Lets Rock it.  Anyone with me???

Mini Me

At any time, on any given day, there will be someone smarter, prettier, stronger, thinner, fitter than me...why do we all have this little mini me that makes sure we don't forget this?  This little voice makes sure we know that we are not quite enough...we should have...we shouldn't have...we can't...

Why do we listen? Who invited this person into our neighborhood? AND....Who moved them in right next door?  She is a nosy, meddling, malicious, busybody.   Making sure you know exactly how she feels about your every move.  

Can we please send this mini me on a permanent vacation somewhere far away?   Why don't we decide to invite only people we really like into our neighborhoods?  

What would your day look and feel like if your mini me had only good things to say...Atta boys, compliments, high fives....and that all the people you are surrounded by ( deep inside your head) genuinely like you!  

I am tired of this negative, hurtful mini me and have decided to send her packing.  I wish her no harm, I just know listening to her is not helpful to me.

I am replacing her with a new neighbor!  She is much more positive, and likes me just the way I am.  I've decided to call her Maxy (maxi me).  She likes the clothes I wear, how I look, what I choose to do, or not do.  We enjoy each others company.  Her voice is that of a good friend, reassuring, comforting, understanding...

I am meeting her for a cup of coffee now...I wish she moved in a  lot sooner!