My Lifesaver...

I met Karen over 10 years ago, when she came walking into the gym carrying her 9 month old son in a carrier in one arm, and a large diaper bag in the other.  As she put them both down she sighed, looked at me with those tired new mother eyes, and asked me to help her.  She was exhausted...had a toddler at home and 9 month old Jack. She had a spirit that was buried inside, probably trying to get some sleep...I could see that.  I liked her instantly.

It wasn't long before our relationship was no longer just trainer and trainee, it was blossoming into a wonderful friendship.  The hour long sessions would pass by quickly(at least for me) as we shared stories about our lives. We began taking shopping trips together, sharing cups of coffee or glasses of wine, and enjoyed outings with our kids.  It was within this time that my life slowly began to unravel.  Karen was my lifesaver, she threw me a rope of hope to cling to as I began to fall deeper and deeper into a hole.

She was there anytime and every time I needed anything...She would give the shirt off her back in a snowstorm if I or anyone else she cared about needed it. Her heart was and IS bigger than anyone I have ever known.

As I think about this particular friend, my heart breaks open in gratitude.  She was always there for me when I was unavailable for myself..  As I fell deeper and deeper into that hole, she was there to hang out with me, listen, support and eventually throw me a rope to help me climb back up out of the hole back into my life.

Karen, I finally get the opportunity to say thank you for always being there for me.  For never pushing me, for never judging me, never questioning me or my actions.  You have seen me at my worst and still loved me, continued to listened, cared, offered advice and helped in ways that I never would have thought possible.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart and the bottom of the hole I was in, for your unconditional love and friendship. I am eternally grateful you needed a trainer all those years ago and I was the one who happened to be in the office.

I look forward to seeing our friendship move forward as our families continue to grow older (since we are both stuck in the 80's somewhere) and life takes us wherever it takes us, please know I have a very big bucket that is full of love, care and support for you...and thank you for throwing me a rope...

Super Bon Bon

I was taking a walk this morning, Day 9 of my "What's in a Walk" 90 day introspective.  My mind drifted back to Tuesday mornings walk with my friend Bonnie.  It was 2 degrees out, so we decided on the indoor track. 

I remember first seeing her at the fitness center riding the stationary bike or rowing on the rower in the back of the gym.  She was always smiling, sharing stories and laughing with those around her.  She lit up the dark corner of the room, like rays of sunshine as they pierce through the clouds.  

A few years ago, she asked me if I would train her.  "Absolutely!" I said, with a smile, "I would love to".  I couldn't wait to find out more about her, find out where those rays of sunshine were coming from, find out more about that inner joy that she seemed to have...that positive energy and vibration that followed her around like an adorable puppy.

Bonnie is an extrovert, kind to everyone, tells hilarious stories, gets herself caught up in crazy predicaments, and ALWAYS pops out the other side with a smile on her face.  She once told me a co-worker called her Super Bon Bon.  I have been calling her that ever since.  It is the most appropriate nick name.

It doesn't seem to matter what hard things that might be going on behind the scenes (no pun intended...since she is quite the actress) with her life or with her body...of which has not cooperated very well over the past couple of years...You would never know anything was wrong.  She can make you feel good just by standing in her presence.

She works hard at keeping her body fit and working for her.  You know when she is concentrating and pushing hard because her tongue will stick out a bit. I love her determination not to let any physical injuries or limitations get her down.  She just deals with it, and moves on.

Our friendship has blossomed over the training time we have spent together.  We contemplate life, friends, work, family, kids...we share advice, we celebrate successes and sweep our failures up under the rug...

We have not spent much time together lately, our lives moving in different directions(the way lives do) so Tuesday was the first time we were together for a while.  The time flew by, the conversation flowed easily.  It is nice just to "BE" with someone...with no expectation...

Bonnie, I am so grateful you crossed my path, and decided to walk along with me for a while.  Your joy, energy, strength, kindness and love of life has rubbed off on me. Thank you for that...

Rock on Super Bon Bon...cant wait to see what life has for you next...

Its 11:22!!! Cheryl are you there?

Have you ever met someone, and instantly said to yourself, "I want to hang around them, and be their friend"

My long time friend Cheryl tops this list.  We met early on in College.  She was a Basketball Player (#22)  I was a Soccer Player (#11).  The early 80's culture screamed that we should not be friends...All the more reason we should be.  One of the most magnetic traits of Cheryl is her "This is me, You get what you get, like it or leave it" attitude ...It was like a magnet for me.

Her number 22, mine 11...Every time either one of us sees the time 11:22, we think of each other.  A mini blessing...

We became fast friends...she tried to teach me basketball.  Oh well...I was better with my feet...Instead, I decided to become the basketball manager/timekeeper giving me the ability to hang around.  I enjoyed the players, admired their skill and dedication.  It mirrored my own with soccer.  I eventually got promoted to their  "aerobic instructor" a role I was destined to play for a long time....

I just wanted to be surrounded by Cheryl's  "aura".  Have you ever known anyone like that?

We have many memories, as roommates in College Housing with 2 others.

A little over a year ago, she phoned me with bad news.  One of our roommates was not doing well, and was in Hospice.  Sue, was Cheryl's best friend. They were like "2 peas in a pod"  Their kids grew up together. They shared many memories and time together well into adulthood.

When she passed, the loss was huge for Cheryl...All I could do was pray, hug, and be present... It never seems enough...As you read this Cheryl, know how much I care for you...How much I wish I could have done something...How much you mean to me.

Because of this experience, Cheryl has made a consistent effort to connect.  She is a constant in my world...a Facebook hello, a short text, glance at the clock at 11:22.

Our friendship will always be there... and Sue, Cheryl, Lesa and I will all be together again...laughing, making funny faces, trying to dance, acting silly, eating rice cakes and peanut butter...some day.  In the mean time, Cheryl and I stay connected in our hearts, and twice a day at 11:22...

Change: Part 3...Embracing the Roll!

As I sit and share a glass of wine with an old friend, then the conversation rolls around to the changes that have occurred in our bodies.  MENOPAUSE...both of us trying to embrace this life and body changing time of life.

Hot flashes, night sweats, mood swings, fatigue, insomnia, ....ummmm, what was I saying? Oh yeah, memory loss, difficulty concentrating, and of course the infamous weight gain. 

" What is this roll on my back?" She askes.  " Where did it come from? How did it get there?"

Wow...I have one of those too...shit.  I admit this to her....and we are intrigued.  After our 20 minute  mini rant, we decide that we should embrace it! 

Embracing the Roll...admit to ourselves and others that it has good memories in it....it is a sign of experience, hard work, love and loss.

As we face our ageing head on, we decide we can appreciate all the work our bodies have done for us over the years.  There is over 60 years between us of group exercise instruction. There are children, grandchildren, marriages, divorces... There is crying, laughing, supporting, encouraging.  There is success and failure.

It is now time to let go of the little things that use to occupy way to much of our brains and thoughts.  It is time ...we will NOT let the number on the scale, or the roll on our back take us down.  We are so much stronger than that.  We are Embracing the roll, and our future.  

Stepping Through the Open Door

How absolutely wonderful it is when you can sit with a friend and open your heart.  It is like seeing an open door, knowing that no matter what, you will be loved and accepted on the other side.  Laughing until you pee your pants...crying until it hurts, and know it is ok.  Pour out your soul, to know that it will be caught in a mug of comfort, compassion and care.

Share the stories of an elderly gentleman who has lived a great long life and appreciates every waking moment.  He unknowingly shares his love, hope and gratitude upon anyone blessed to walk through the open door of his store.

To watch a cross country skier, dressed in a beautiful blue wind suit, that perfectly matches the backdrop of ocean waves and pops out of the winter white snow as he glides smoothly down the coast.

As February turns to March, I sit  alone with a notebook and a pen....realizing that there is a open door in front of me.  On the other side is the knowledge to follow my heart, trust of my instincts, forgive my mistakes, and finally face my fears.

Tomorrow I will awaken, the dawn of a new day.  The pinks and blues of the sunrise over the ocean.  There will be a new trust within myself, a renewal of spirit and purpose of life all within me.  There are open possibilities, and open doors.

Oh...look, there is another one.  Let's walk through it together with confidence and courage. 

ENOUGH ALREADY!

"You are different than you were 15 minutes ago" My friend Dawn of 20 years says.  I say nothing, yet think Really? hmmm

The cloud so easily forms over my head.  In an instant I am transported back.  Tightness in my chest, shame, guilt, fear.  Don't say a word...tiptoe around, don't make a sound.  Keep everyone happy.

Why do we let past experiences wash over us so quickly, and take up residence, like an old coffee table.  We decide to jump right back into those old feelings.  It is like a WAY TOO HOT hot tub we decide to jump into...like we deserve these feelings.  Something about them feels right...feels familiar.  It must be the way I am supposed to be feeling.  I deserve to feel like this because I can never say the right thing, do the right thing, make him happy.

Just yesterday, I jumped right back into that Hot Tub...OUCH...it was way to hot and completely uncomfortable.  The laughing, relaxed Annie vanished...out of sight...hiding on the inside, afraid to come out to play.  She does not deserve this happiness...She isn't allowed to forget about this other feeling...fearful, uncomfortable, shameful.  The one that is thrust upon her in a moment...so easily and oddly familiar.

Our lives are full of experiences and people.  Some are wonderful, and others not so much.  I am grateful for my friend letting me know that I unknowingly traveled back in time to the comfort of the uncomfortable hot tub.  If she hadn't brought it to my attention, I would not be in this place this morning saying ENOUGH ALREADY!

I have to let go of the old programs...the old tapes that play over and over again in my head. The ones that tell me I cant, I shouldn't have, I am so stupid.  I have placed these sayings in my head as a strong line of defense to protect myself from being hurt by others.  I have placed them there to keep the peace in my household...Day after Day, Year after Year.

It is time..

To let go of the past, for it is done.  We cannot go back and change it...Unless you are Bill Murray in an episode of Ground hog day...How many times did it take for him to get it "right?"

I am moving forward today, writing my own story and stepping into it with confidence and strength.  Replacing my old programs with good ones.  The past has given me my tools.  I have learned how to use them, but they  will not define me.

Today we start fresh...Lets Rock it.  Anyone with me???