20% MORE

I see the apple on the table, I hear my stomach growl, I start to calculate as the numbers tick away in my head...60+80=140+50=190+10+120= 410...no, too much, just walk away...

I walk up the stairs, thinking of what I had done...20 minutes of core work, step class, 30 minutes of legs...not enough, I should go for a run...

My thoughts continue...

The numbers of calories burned, exercise classes taught or taken, miles run or walked

Calories consumed, calories NOT consumed, points, fat and carb grams counted, Adding and Subtracting; Plotting and Planning 

How much longer do I need to stay on this stair master?  What should my workout look like tomorrow? the day after that? next week?

What will the scale say when I step on it tomorrow?  Have I worked hard enough? Eaten too much?

What will the ALL MIGHTY SCALE say about my worthiness tomorrow?

Minute after minute, day after day, year after year...from 10 years old until almost 50...Over 95% of my thoughts every day tick away thinking about how I can effect the number on the scale.

4 DECADES of my life, I have spent all of my time counting and calculating, shaming and blaming, pushing and pulling. 

I am sad, frustrated, angry and depressed as I come to this realization....Why have I wasted so much time with this non-sense?  

I sit and cry,  I walk and cry, I curl up in a ball and cry as I move through this strange GRIEVING process.  

So many should haves, why didn't I's, your so stupid's...I morn the loss of so many years of my life...until...Exhaustion sets in, I am tired and all dried up from crying.  

It is time to "fish or cut bait" as my dad would say..."shit or get off the pot" my uncle would say...

Stagnation and depression set in...until...

I think about my daughters, how much I love them, how much I want to see them grow, learn, live and love.  

FINALLY, I get it...I need more time...more time in my brain to live here in this world, to live here today...

It becomes apparent that it is time to THROW AWAY:

• The calorie counter in my brain
• The scale on the bathroom floor
• The fit-bit "rewards"
• The class schedule
• The "map my run" app

Time to gain back TIME:

• Time to read and write
• Time to share time with friends and family
• Time to reconnect with my body
• Time to think about what used to bring me joy
• Time to make a difference

This was me only 4 years ago, and every year since then, I have opened up more space in my head, 20%, 30%, 40% more time to focus on the life I am living.  Less and less time spent on obsessing and calculating.

This valentines day, give yourself the gift of TIME, time to enjoy the life you are living TODAY, in the body that you have TODAY, in the shape that you are in TODAY, at the weight your body is TODAY.  

This is my wish for you...It is SO worth it.

I am here for support and guidance.  

Today is the day...isn't 88 just great?

Today is my moms 88th birthday.  How blessed I am to have both of my parents still here with me.  Her birthday falls the day after Christmas. When I was a kid, I made her wait until her birthday to open her presents.  She always wanted to(and now does!) to open them on Christmas day.  

You see, I have really just now started to get to know my parents.  

About 4 years ago I got divorced.  With my first marriage that lasted 17 years, I saw my parents a few times a year.  The standard holidays and occasional birthdays.  Visits were tense...my girls were young...and all I wanted to do was get through the visit smoothly.  I was always worried about what they were thinking.   Not only of me, but also about the behavior of my children and husband.

I met a man shortly after my divorce.  Certainly not my intention...but yet this man met my parents a month or so after we started dating.  That was the start of them getting their daughter back.  

I had been lost and had forgotten myself...it took this man for me to begin my journey back to myself....and because of this man I am ready to share my story "through the A's".  ADOPTION, ADDICTION, ANOREXIA, ACTIVITY and ACCEPTANCE.   Not necessarily in that order.  

This blog is about my journey toward forgiveness...acceptance and grace.  What better day to start than my moms birthday.