My Lifesaver...

I met Karen over 10 years ago, when she came walking into the gym carrying her 9 month old son in a carrier in one arm, and a large diaper bag in the other.  As she put them both down she sighed, looked at me with those tired new mother eyes, and asked me to help her.  She was exhausted...had a toddler at home and 9 month old Jack. She had a spirit that was buried inside, probably trying to get some sleep...I could see that.  I liked her instantly.

It wasn't long before our relationship was no longer just trainer and trainee, it was blossoming into a wonderful friendship.  The hour long sessions would pass by quickly(at least for me) as we shared stories about our lives. We began taking shopping trips together, sharing cups of coffee or glasses of wine, and enjoyed outings with our kids.  It was within this time that my life slowly began to unravel.  Karen was my lifesaver, she threw me a rope of hope to cling to as I began to fall deeper and deeper into a hole.

She was there anytime and every time I needed anything...She would give the shirt off her back in a snowstorm if I or anyone else she cared about needed it. Her heart was and IS bigger than anyone I have ever known.

As I think about this particular friend, my heart breaks open in gratitude.  She was always there for me when I was unavailable for myself..  As I fell deeper and deeper into that hole, she was there to hang out with me, listen, support and eventually throw me a rope to help me climb back up out of the hole back into my life.

Karen, I finally get the opportunity to say thank you for always being there for me.  For never pushing me, for never judging me, never questioning me or my actions.  You have seen me at my worst and still loved me, continued to listened, cared, offered advice and helped in ways that I never would have thought possible.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart and the bottom of the hole I was in, for your unconditional love and friendship. I am eternally grateful you needed a trainer all those years ago and I was the one who happened to be in the office.

I look forward to seeing our friendship move forward as our families continue to grow older (since we are both stuck in the 80's somewhere) and life takes us wherever it takes us, please know I have a very big bucket that is full of love, care and support for you...and thank you for throwing me a rope...

Climbing in and out of the Hole

What is it that causes you the most pain?  Is it a past mistake the continues to haunt you?  Is it a physical ailment that is chronic, and wears you down?  Is it the loss of a loved one that leaves a hole in your heart that cannot be filled... a broken relationship, where your heart has been broken and you cannot seem to find anything that can mend it?  Or, Is it yourself?  The constant beating up of yourself for not doing, being or achieving what you think you should...

Our pain comes from different places....different experiences.  It sits at all kinds of levels that can change minute to minute, day to day.  Some of our pain can be so big...

Imagine a large hole that has been dug into the ground.  It is a place that you go to when you feel pain, hurt, alone, abandoned, sad, frustrated, angry, disappointed, distant, desperate...It can provide extreme relief and comfort.

Everyone’s hole is unique.  Some may be empty...a punishment hole with no way out, it is dark, cold and scary, and at the same time extremely comfortable and welcome. Others may have a hole where they go to get away.  They feel comfortable there, they cannot be hurt by anyone, they cannot make any mistakes here, they can’t say the wrong thing, no one can judge them here. Here they do not have to be someone they are not. They can just sit with themselves...with their sadness, their pain and their brokenness...

I have realized over the past few years that no matter what my pain level is, or has been, there are ALWAYS many examples of greater pain brought to my attention.  It could come in the form of a conversation, a physical interaction, a friend of a friend, the TV, or even a face-book story.

It is in these moments where I step away from myself and step into their pain, their sadness, their loss, their hole.  Within hours of this interaction, I have come out of my own hole willingly, for my pain has been lifted.  To feel the pain of another is a blessing.  It enables us to understand our own pain better... Climb out of our own hole.