20% MORE

I see the apple on the table, I hear my stomach growl, I start to calculate as the numbers tick away in my head...60+80=140+50=190+10+120= 410...no, too much, just walk away...

I walk up the stairs, thinking of what I had done...20 minutes of core work, step class, 30 minutes of legs...not enough, I should go for a run...

My thoughts continue...

The numbers of calories burned, exercise classes taught or taken, miles run or walked

Calories consumed, calories NOT consumed, points, fat and carb grams counted, Adding and Subtracting; Plotting and Planning 

How much longer do I need to stay on this stair master?  What should my workout look like tomorrow? the day after that? next week?

What will the scale say when I step on it tomorrow?  Have I worked hard enough? Eaten too much?

What will the ALL MIGHTY SCALE say about my worthiness tomorrow?

Minute after minute, day after day, year after year...from 10 years old until almost 50...Over 95% of my thoughts every day tick away thinking about how I can effect the number on the scale.

4 DECADES of my life, I have spent all of my time counting and calculating, shaming and blaming, pushing and pulling. 

I am sad, frustrated, angry and depressed as I come to this realization....Why have I wasted so much time with this non-sense?  

I sit and cry,  I walk and cry, I curl up in a ball and cry as I move through this strange GRIEVING process.  

So many should haves, why didn't I's, your so stupid's...I morn the loss of so many years of my life...until...Exhaustion sets in, I am tired and all dried up from crying.  

It is time to "fish or cut bait" as my dad would say..."shit or get off the pot" my uncle would say...

Stagnation and depression set in...until...

I think about my daughters, how much I love them, how much I want to see them grow, learn, live and love.  

FINALLY, I get it...I need more time...more time in my brain to live here in this world, to live here today...

It becomes apparent that it is time to THROW AWAY:

• The calorie counter in my brain
• The scale on the bathroom floor
• The fit-bit "rewards"
• The class schedule
• The "map my run" app

Time to gain back TIME:

• Time to read and write
• Time to share time with friends and family
• Time to reconnect with my body
• Time to think about what used to bring me joy
• Time to make a difference

This was me only 4 years ago, and every year since then, I have opened up more space in my head, 20%, 30%, 40% more time to focus on the life I am living.  Less and less time spent on obsessing and calculating.

This valentines day, give yourself the gift of TIME, time to enjoy the life you are living TODAY, in the body that you have TODAY, in the shape that you are in TODAY, at the weight your body is TODAY.  

This is my wish for you...It is SO worth it.

I am here for support and guidance.  

My new normal

I overheard a woman at the gym the other day(an attractive and fit woman in my eyes) say that on January 1st, she was going to "Reclaim her Fit Body".

It got me thinking...what does that mean?  What defines a "Fit Body"?  I used to measure my own fitness with thinness, low body fat levels and perfect symmetry.  The lower the body fat, the more fit I was...

I look at myself now and I know I have an average amount of body fat, not too low, not too high. Not that long ago I would have been describing myself as "Out of Shape" and "Fat" because I am not as "thin" as I have been in the past.  I now know that is not true.  My body can do almost anything I ask of it...from carrying heavy boxes and picking up children, to running up and down stairs or down the street.

How do you define being fit?  Is it the amount of weight you can lift?  How many pushup or squats you can do?  How many miles you can run?  How many days you can cleanse or eat "Clean"?

I have struggled my whole life with accepting the body I was blessed with. I have tried many methods to either CHANGE IT or HIDE IT. (and still try to hide it on occasion).

The Acceptance of What Is...This is a hard concept for many.  I am learning to accept what is....still knowing I can change, learn and grow within certain areas if I so choose AND/or I can accept what is.

For Example...

I can accept my body as it is or I can try to lose weight and try to lower my body fat level, by going on a "diet".   This would make me "fitter" right?   

This is what I know from experience...after experience ...after experience...

It would make me:

1. Feel Deprived
2. Feel Punished-Like I am not good enough
3. Feel Weak, Tired, Lethargic
4. Be Emotional 
5. Be Short Tempered
6. Feel Depressed
7. Look critically at myself more in the mirror (increased body checking)
8. Be obsessive about my exercise and calorie intake
9. Withdraw from hanging out, talking or just being with friends
10. Stress out over being with family and withdraw

After a while of this "Diet"  I would begin to hear compliments...things like "Wow, you look great, have you lost weight? How did you do it?"

These feel good right?  Until they make you think and overanalyze them and say to yourself: "Wow, I must have gotten really fat" (THIS IS NOT QUITE THE FEELING I WAS LOOKING FOR!)

If I decide to accept my body and Reclaim MYSELF:

 

It would make me:

1. Feel Empowered
2. Allow me to move and exercise how and when I want
3. Have all the energy I need to do whatever I want to do 
4. Enjoy all foods with friends, family or alone
5. Not expect compliments from others (I used to thrive on this, it gave me a sense of accomplishment and pride and filled my EGO)
6. Understand and Empathize with the struggles of others
7. Feel Free from expectation
8. Be free from mirrors, scales, calories
9. Feel free to BE ME

I am 53 years old.  I have worked with clients from 18-94.  Some of them enjoy Christmas cookies and look forward to dinners out with friends, while others worry about fitting into their clothes of 30+ years ago and how many calories are "In that dessert"...

I want to grow older enjoying walks, drumming, dancing, twirling and moving my body with a childlike joy...
 

I want to enjoy a glass of wine, an ice cream cone, nachos, french fries and chocolate chip cookies.

I want to feel empowered and strong following my own rules, my own standards and be OK with it.

I need NOT "Reclaim my Fit Body" of yester-year...

My body IS STRONG, my mind IS FUELED, and I am now going to have leftover Chinese food for Breakfast...

It was 2 years ago, I started up my blog...    This is the reason...Repost from 2014

Just the way I am!

I am 12 years old wearing only a pair of underwear. My mother is making me stand in front of a mirror.  I am mortified.

She asks me what I see...I roll my eyes, pinch the skin on my belly and say ,"I see fat,fat and more fat...  Happy?"

She sees frail and fragile, and hears the sarcasm in my voice.  She is beyond  frightened.

We are both looking at the same thing...my almost naked body, yet we see completely different things, have completely different emotions and are thinking completely different thoughts

I am feeling awkward, angry, embarrassed and mixed up, while my mom is feeling terrified and troubled.  She has been watching me slowly disappear in front of her eyes over the past 6 months and is unsure of where to turn next.

Anorexia Nervosa was the diagnosis.  It was virtually unknown to most 1975, it wasnt until 1983 when Karen Carpenter died from her anorexia, that people recognised the diagnosis.  

It took 3 years of counseling, a month of hopitilization and lots of tears shed before the dinner table in the Poirier household was not a war zone.

Food and exercise have been the coach and the quarterback throughout my life. They dictated actions, decisions and choices.  Calories counted non stop, exercise logged and analyzed, scale down=worthy and happy, scale up=depressed and ugly. 

 It has been only over the last few years that I have finally begun to accepted and appreciated what my body has done for me.

 It can throw like a boy, kick a soccer ball down field, fight a fire, climb and repelled off a ferris wheel, run a marathon or 2, deliver babies, naturally and  via c-section, it can climb mountains and swim in the ocean....It can hug, smile, laugh and cry...

 
My body has done amazing things...why have I hated it so much and treated it so poorly?  It is time for me to begin to respect and honor my body, JUST THE WAY IT IS!

Your Story

To know your purpose and then find the path that leads you there is my hope.  The questions I ask myself are:  Why am I here?  Why was I born?  What am I supposed to be doing with this life I have been given?  

Our purpose is more than any of us think.  It is an understanding that we might need to stop trying so hard, stop asking the questions, being ok not knowing what it is.  Our place on this earth is to Trust...To trust that our path is out there waiting for us to get out of our own way.

I believe that if we can share our bliss...our enthusiasm, our love, our light; of which comes from our talents. It doesn’t  matter how insignificant, or irrelevant we may think these talents are-     we own them and they are OURS.  They are ours to share with others.  It could be the way you tell a joke, the way your laughter is contagious, the way you tell(or write) a story, the way you draw an elephant or flower, the way you do a jumping jack, navigate your computer, thread a needle....

Living our lives with joy, happiness, and laughter...that is the path we are to follow...

Not the path our parents wanted us to pursue, not the path your husband or wife wants you to follow, not the one our teachers, our bosses, or society want us to go after...

We have lived our lives believing that we should be successful, make a lot of money, raise a happy family, hold down a “good” job, be a wonderful friend, be fit, healthy, attractive, thin and of course happy...

All these are thoughts and beliefs that have been made into stories...stories that we have told ourselves for years, and stories that we have been bombarded with through society, and the people that surround us.

It is time to release all these stories, for they are not yours.  It is time to write your own story, pave your own path.  What does this fresh new story of your life look like?

My story includes helping others find their way out of pain, out of struggle, out of the story they live in where they don’t belong, are not enough,  or don’t believe in themselves...

It is your turn to begin to pave a path where beauty surrounds you, where your mini me is in awe of your strength, where your mind is quiet, and your body is at peace with itself.  Breath the fresh air, trust in yourself, trust in your story, trust in your life...trust the amazing and overwhelming beauty that is within you...Follow the paved path and trust...

Pancakes and the smell of Bacon

As I sit here on a rock looking out onto Lake Winnipesaukee in NH, I realize that I am drawn to water, I always have been...as a kid, I would spend hours swimming at Hoods Pond in Topsfield in the summer.  

My favorite memories are of early Sunday Morning breakfasts.  We would arrive, the family and usually an extra kid or two, at about 7am.  No one was there,it was still, quiet, peaceful. I would break the silence almost immediately as I ran into the glass like water with a splash. Watching the ripples of my entry stream outward 360 degrees around me, smiling the whole time.

The freedom of the water, the dolphin dives down and up over and over again, holding my breath and swimming as far as I could from one dock to the other and back, cannon balls and head first dives off the raft, arms cutting through the smooth water surface in a rhythmical fashion.  

My father would call me in for breakfast, it would already be after 9.  Where did the time go?  I could smell the bacon as soon as I emerged from the water.  MMM...bacon, eggs and pancakes with syrup cooked on the old Colman Grill.  I would cover up in my Steelers (yes, at the time...) sweatshirt and towel, hungry and ready to eat.  The food tasted so good.  There was no thought to how many calories I was eating, how many carbs where in the pancakes, how much exercise I would have to do to burn it all off, what had I eaten the night before.

It was so simple then.  I moved, played, kicked and swam for the joy of it.  I ate when my stomach asked for food...and the food tasted so good.  There was no guilt attached...

By the age of 11 I was dieting, doing numerous sit-ups in my room.  I remember it distinctly the proud moment I left the dinner table in such control...I marched upstairs and did 20 sit-ups, then 20 more, then of course another 10 to round it out to 50....little did I know that by the end of that month I would be multiplying that 50 by 10...

I lost weight, I was always cold, I covered myself in layers, hid myself...Hoods Pond became a place dreaded, it was to cold, I would sit in my oversized sweatshirt and watch others swim, worried about my body, thinking about eating pancakes and bacon, repulsed by my own thoughts.

Decades of overthinking food choices, built a career around moving (that way I could always exercise) that gave me the freedomto eat.  Deep built in messages to eat, you have to eat, why don't you just eat, your so stubborn, its not hard, what are you stupid?  

To this day I get a physical reaction to pancakes(one path in my brain saying too many carbs, and another one saying WOOHOOO Pancakes...)

My eyes begin to tear up...wishing for the innocence of the past, when food tasted so good and had no underlying meaning, and swimming was joyful, not calorie burning exercise where I get too cold.

The Lady with Balls

I am exhausted and exhilarated after spending the last 2 weeks with this incredibly energetic, adventurous, and creative woman....and it does not stop there, she is also a mother, grandmother, wife, traveler, seeker of joy, PE teacher, and more....

There are lucky children in Newburyport MA to be exposed to and enlightened by this woman every week.

Cathy Hill~It has been such a honor and pleasure to have spent the last two weeks with you, your students and your school.  I am sad to leave your energy, your sense of humor and your spirit.  There was never a dull moment, it certainly was an adventure.  Take all those Balls you have and ROCK ON!

I want to thank you for not only the opportunity to share Drums Alive with your school, but also your generosity of opening your home to me and treating me like one of the family.  I am grateful to have gotten to know you better,  You have enriched my life.  

Our lives will continue to cross in different ways in the future, it is inevitable.  We both value savoring the moments that life has to offer, along with our love to drum, move and laugh...

I wish you a journey that provides excitement, curiosity, adventure, play and fun.  No matter what you do, the energy you exude will follow you and will be absorbed by all the lucky people you surround yourself with.  Have a great 79 more days of school :)   I am looking forward to seeing the next adventures of the BALL LADY

A Support Beam of Friendship

The support beam in a structure is the most important part.  It holds the building up, giving it strength no matter what the weather.  

I have been lucky enough to have the most amazing, strong, determined, resilient, intelligent and hard working support beam to hold me up.  Her name is Dawn....

She has kept me upright, kept me honest, helped me find strength to make hard decisions, and always told it to me straight...even if it was NOT what I wanted to hear.  

Her life has not been easy...I am continually in awe of her work ethic, her strength, her dedication to family and friends and her honest and straight forward nature. As life tested her with rough times, she continually fought back landing on her feet, stronger than before.

As we both navigated the storms of life, Dawn has always been my most influential support beam, keeping me moving forward in my life.  Just Two and a half years ago she even married Tim and I.  Helping set me off sailing to unnavigated waters....knowing I was going in the right direction.

My friend Dawn, words cannot express the care, love and appreciation I have for your continued support, wisdom and guidance. You have given me strength when I was weak, hope when I had none, resilience when I was unsteady, energy and wisdom when I was tired.

Your presence in my life is like no other, you are the true definition of friendship.  Thank you for being you, opening your home to me and sharing in my life.  May we continue to share Christmas granola and Double Birthday wine dates for many years to come...