The New Year is upon us, and the tradition of a New Year’s Resolution looms over your head. What was it last year? The year before that? How long did it last? Do you even remember what it was?
“I should be more…I should do more…I will always…I will never…”
Do any of those sound familiar?
This year, how about trying something different? We are talking about the concept of releasing…releasing things like..
- Letting go of your inner mean critic (negative self talk)
- The quest for perfection
- The relentless quest to “fit in”
- Regrets
- Resentments
- Energy-sucking people
- And others…I am sure you can think of some more.
1. Letting go of our inner critic (negative self-talk)
That persistent inner mean girl pounces on you every chance she gets, whether it is something you said, something you did, or a sideways glance in a mirror.
She is always there ready and waiting for any opportunity she gets to let you know just how not good enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough, and not thin enough you are. This inner mean girl voice has a rough tone; she is harsh and degrading.
This year how about releasing this mean inner voice and replacing it with one that is more kind, caring and compassionate?
A. LISTEN AND ACKNOWLEDGE HER WHEN SHE APPEARS.
You must notice her presence before you can change it. Listen with a new-perspective “Hmmmm…what is she trying to say? Why is she being so mean? Why is she so angry with me? Why is she talking so loudly?”
B. QUESTION HER…WITHOUT JUDGEMENT, IN A KINDER AND SOFTER VOICE.
“That is really interesting you feel that way. Really? Is that a fact? Am I really?”
C. CHANGE THE VOICE AND THE WORDS.
Try something like, “I’m doing the best I can, I’m taking better care of myself every day, I am human, Thanks for sharing, your words are hurtful and not helpful, no thank you.”
Check out a simple tool we use at Shaping Perspectives called Self Talk. Click here for a free 30-day trial to strengthening an ali for yourself to replace your inner critic.
2. Releasing the Quest for Perfection
Many of us have the internal drive to be perfect…but where in the handbook of life did it say that on the day you were born, you were to be perfect? And what does being perfect look like anyway? Isn’t it within your challenges, mistakes and experiences that you grow, learn and change?
Your imperfections are exactly what make you unique. It is what draws others towards you.
It is this uniqueness that you can find deeper connections with others. It is where you find out that you are not alone, that others share your pain. It is here where you can help and understand others by sharing your stories and experiences.
This quest for perfection only helps to enlist that inner mean girl to speak up and rear her head.
This year, begin to release this desire for perfection by realizing it is within your imperfections that make you human. You are who you are because of your imperfections.
3. Release the Desire to Fit In
Have you ever pretended to agree with someone? Lied about what you liked to eat? Bought clothes you didn’t even like just to fit in?
I remember it well, wanting to be liked, wanting to be accepted by the other girls. This is not just something that just kids and teenagers do, it’s something that’s carried into adulthood.
Even today, I notice myself agreeing with someone, so that they will see me. What’s that all about? Changing and molding our thoughts, actions and beliefs, just so that we would be liked, fit it, be part of the “in crowd”.
You are not alone, we have a natural need and desire to belong.
Researcher Brené Brown would say that there is a true difference though, between belonging and fitting in.
In an article Brown wrote for Oprah, she describes the difference between the two:
- “Fitting in is assessing situations and groups of people, then twisting yourself into a human pretzel in order to get them to let you hang out with them.”
- “Belonging is something else entirely – it’s showing up and letting yourself be seen and known as you really are.”
So many of us spend our lives trying to fit in, to be like others…to be perfect.
This is the year of belonging to a group of people who like you because of you, because of your imperfections, because of your talents, your traits, your ideas, your thoughts and your beliefs.
As a recap of the above…This year let the real you be seen, release the quest for perfection and fitting in and replace the inner mean girl with a kinder, more compassionate friend with whom you BELONG.
4.Releasing Regret and Resentment
As our lives go forward, we tend to look back and wish we had a do-over, where we would change or alter something we had done in the past.
· Regret not telling someone how much they meant to us
· Regret not telling someone how much you appreciated them
· Wished you had realized how special they were
· Wished you hadn’t treated someone so poorly
Or maybe you regret making a decision that would have moved your life in a different direction
· Bought a house, or didn’t buy a house
· Accepted a job or didn’t accept a job
· Married a person or didn’t marry them
· Said Yes, instead of No (or the other way around)
Holding onto these regrets holds you hostage to the past. It hurts no one, but you. This year, release the regret, let go of the “what if” and let yourself off the hook. Think about what you learned from the decisions that you made.
Replace the “Should have or Wish I” with “glad I know now”.
Very similarly, a resentment can hold you hostage as well.The bitterness and anger you hold onto for someone else. For something they did or didn’t do, for how they treated you, for the pain and hurt they caused you. This is pain, bitterness and anger are real.
Ask yourself these questions: Does this anger feel stressful or peaceful? How is it affecting you? How much energy do you spend thinking about it.
Now, ask yourself this: What is it doing to the person you are angry at? How is it affecting them? Do they even care?
In many cases these resentments affect you much more than they affect the other person. I am not saying here that their actions, behaviors or words are not wrong. However, you are giving them our power, energy and time. Holding on to these feelings and emotions can lead to increased stress, anxiety and depression.
Here is a releasing activity to try:
Write down on a piece of paper what, who or why you are holding onto this resentment and anger. Write it all out, don’t hold anything back. Tell them how you feel, why you feel the way you do, how it has affected you and your life. You may find yourself yelling, crying or swearing, know that is normal. After you feel it is all out, grab a match and bring your writing to a body of water (a river, stream, the ocean) light the match and set the writing on fire. Send the ashes into the water…letting it go. No water? Fire up your paper shredder or just use your hands and rip it to shreds. Destroy and release it.
This process can be hard and painful, it may even take a few rounds of writing and burning. As you release the anger and resentment you take back your power, your energy and your time. Find your strength to release the feelings of resentment that take up space, so that you create open space for something better.
5.. Let go of Energy Sucking Relationships
We all have so many people in our lives, some we LOVE to be around, they give us energy, support, joy and encourage us. Spending time with them is easy and good for your soul. These relationships are Energy Giving.
There are also some other people in our life, who they tend to suck all the energy out of us, drain us, we don’t enjoy being around them.
So why is it we continue to put ourselves in these situations? Continue to spend time with people who we don’t really even enjoy being around?
Awareness of the two types of relationships is the first step. Realizing that a relationship brings you down, decreases your self-worth or self-esteem, makes you sad, angry or depressed creates an opportunity for change.
We realize that some of these relationships are not your choice, however, are you able to minimize the time you spend in this relationship? Even if it is just by a little bit? Or set a limit on time spent? It can make a big a difference.
When you know you are heading into spending time with one of these energy sucking people, (the annual summer family reunion for example) do you to bring yourself down in anticipation? Feel yourself dreading the encounter, and in-turn creating your own energy sucking aura?
What if next time you bring your energy giving self to this interaction? Maybe your energy will rub off (the mirror neuron effect: brain neurons that mirror others behavior) …or maybe it won’t, at least you enter the event with a little extra supportive energy on your side.
Maybe this year it is time to think twice about how much time you really NEED to be a part of these relationships.
Imagine a teeter totter for a minute. If on one side you stacked up all the Energy Givers (supportive and caring people) of your life and on the other side all the Energy Suckers, what would happen? Which side would fall to the ground?
My challenge to you for the next year is to increase the time you spend with your Energy Givers, and decrease the time you spend with your Energy Suckers…
Remember those bricks you were holding at the beginning of this blog? It is time to let them go, release them, drop them. Let go of as many bricks that you can. It is the year to lighten your load.
This year you have permission to release:
· your inner mean girl and negative self talk
· that quest for perfection
· fitting in
· regrets and resentments,
· energy sucking relationships
AS well as…a number on a scale, a pant size, or the list of “Shoulds” sitting in your brain.
What are you going to release and let go of in 2019?
If you would like any support as you think about your release-o-lutions,
Click hereto sign up for an Embrace You session to get started!
NOT ENOUGH,I should go for a run...
